Wednesday, May 18, 2011

IT'S Onnnnnnnnn!!!!

Ok, that’s it.  I’ve been patient.  I’ve bitten my lip.  I’ve even smiled and nodded in agreement as I’ve heard the Trail Slammer time and time again impress everyone around him that his latest “hike”, the “Berkley”, or however they pronunciate it in them their parts, is the “most difficult run event ever known to mankind.”  I’m forever reading articles that I’ve been sent touting the awesomeness of the event; and when Runners World put in a two page story about it, well that just took the cake! (Although it’s strange; I thought we hated Runners World, but I guess their article changed everything….  Go figure…)  And I’ve even tried to be supportive when I was told that it’s a “good thing” to only complete 20% of the event.  But man, I just can’t get my head around this – but you know, I love this guy like a brother, and dang nabbit, if it makes him happy, then how bad can it be?

I’ve even tried to be supportive as he has told me that group after group has written him, voicing their concerns about his Berkly training and offensive comments – “Relentless arrogance” they would say. “Constant Bragging” they would complain “If I have to hear one more time about how fast you are I’m going to jump off a bridge” (Ok, they didn’t say that, I just added it in for effect) – in fact the TS even told me that now a group of women are training for the event, just to prove to him that it’s not that big a deal!  Apparently Groups that the Trail Slammer have offended include:

1.      AARP
2.      NOW
3.      UAW Local 27
4.      Team in Training
5.      PETA
6.      Every Runner or Person that Has Ever Run
7.      Hikers Organization of America
8.      Camper Organization of America
9.      Organization of Wildlife Animals
10.   VFW Local 428
11.   OPEC
12.   The Republican National Party
13.   The Democratic National Party
14.   Donald Trump

And if that wasn’t enough, the Trail Slammer leaves me a very offensive and just plain hurtful comment on my last blog entry.  Well that does it, something needs to be done.

My first thought was to dust off my old Team in Training relationships, and start up a group training for Berkly 2011.  “Gee Mr. Doctor, I’ve never run a marathon before, how much do we have to run to train for this Berkly thing?”  I’ll just reply; “Well that’s the great thing, you don’t even have to run at all!  All you need to do is practice walking up and down your stairs!.....  and oh, I almost forgot, do you happen to have a compass?”

Well, the problem is that to get in as you know the major requirement for “qualification” is that you can write a really good essay entitled “Why I should be allowed to run participate in the Berkly”.  I’m not sure that my entire Team In Training Group would be able to write a convincing enough essay, thus disqualifying them from entry.  Ok, so much for that idea.

So then it hit me.  I’ll take care of this myself.  OK TS, sure, I’ll do it!  Problem is once again that my qualifications for this event (essay writing capability) may not be up to snuff, as I’m not a great writer, and thus may not be qualified to participate.  If that’s not enough, the second most important qualification to this event as you know is the ability to read a compass, which I have NO experience in whatsoever.  I will say that my nephew is a cub scout though, and maybe, just maybe, he could train me a bit, and let me borrow his compass; but even that’s a long shot.  In fact if he can write a good essay, then, combined with his ability to use a compass, that may give him a better chance of getting in then me.   Hmmmmm…..

All right then, I’ve got a better Idea. Mr. Trail Slammer, here it is.  This Fall, lets plan a trip.  You and me.  We’ll find a way to get away from the Librarian and Trail Slimmer, and drive to this “course”.  Lets plan a few day camping trip, bring tents and compasses (and a spare essay in case anyone from the Berkly event questions why we’re on their course), and we’ll see if we can’t make a loop or two.  Now as this course is the most difficult course ever know to humanity (and maybe even others outside of humanity as well), I’m sure I’ll need to fall back very soon, and as such I’ll buy you a nice dinner.  But when I keep up with you for the days in question, all I ask for is a nice, humble apology – TO ME AND ALL THE DECENT PEOPLE YOU KEEP OFFENDING!  (And Donald Trump).

So Trail Slammer; IT’S ON!!!!!  You with me, or should I prepare to hear about how your compass is broke, or you need to mow the lawn all Fall?  Heck, maybe others would like to come witness the event?  I'll bring the lemonade!


  1. OK Dr, you have done what I have long been a feared of, you have done called my bluff! Not sure if I can think my way out of this one...

  2. Lol, you had me at AARP ;)
    You guys are great.
    A lemonaid stand, with Gary and his sarcastic comments... That would be priceless!